SPEAKER_00: 0:33

All right, guys. Hey, welcome. This is Cody and I'm here with my co-host Kaylee. This is the Unengaged Podcast. We're here and we are ready to spill the tea or the lesson. There's going to be a lot of both this time around. I think we're a little tired. Don't mind us. We just got back from a very wild vacation for my birthday in Scottsdale, Arizona. Kaylee planned an entire weekend, so there was a lot of surprises for me and I think there was a lot of stuff for everybody yes as well but we had the best time we really did we really did it was like one of my first girls trips that lasted this long we did we went for three nights and it's just so interesting to see the different dynamics of everybody because well there was four of us that went yeah and we're all kind of like different ages none of us are the same exact age no so we're different ages and we're all different personality type we're all very very different yeah so it was it was definitely interesting but i think going on any type of vacation with friends like it can be like that sometimes because you can spend every day with somebody or with a group of people all the time but until you're sharing a bathroom and doing all kinds of stuff like that you really find out who's who because you regardless when it's a group of different personalities no matter how close you guys are you get to see who's more morning person who's not how we are when we're hung over just different things like that how we are when we're frustrated or hungry or different things so I feel like we grew a lot closer the four of us from this trip and it was so fun you guys we did we had different plans throughout each day but we ate at some really good restaurants we went to some really fun bars slash nightclubs day clubs some day clubs we went to a party something that I didn't think that I would be experiencing in my 30s oh there's some things that I did learn that I was like I think this is the last time yeah but how weird is it you guys go if you guys are in your 30s have you guys and you've gone out to a club or something have you guys ever felt like so weird so out of place I'm just this isn't my vibe anymore I think about it like this when you're a kid and you go to round table right you know what I mean and they have that little arcade room off to the side I wonder at what point as a kid do you say you know what I think I'm good I don't need to ask my mom for quarters I'm not gonna go play in the arcade I feel like that's how I felt I think I'm officially done with this phase of my life growing that now I'm kind of down to go play pool in a dive bar I don't really need to be somewhere where I can't have a conversation with the bartender and she can't effectively listen to what I'm saying or what I'm ordering because god if you're paying fucking$35 for a vodka soda it better be the right thing you gotta trust that that truly is what you ordered because man definitely I came to that realization too we made the most of it we had fun we had nobody knew how we were really feeling internally but yeah there were definitely some times where I was looking around the room and I'm like I probably would have babysat that girl over there literally I know we kind of felt like old you kind of feel old you're like this isn't really my vibe I definitely am more if I'm going out with friends or partaking and having some drinks I think I like more of an intimate setting or even a restaurant going out a bar at a at a restaurant going out for cocktails or just something a little more intimate. I don't know. The vibe of the clubby vibe isn't really... Was I talking to you yesterday or somebody else? I forget who it was that was like, I don't go to bars anymore. I only go to restaurant bars. Oh, no, it wasn't me. Who was I talking to? If you were the person that I had this conversation with, just drop it in the comments. But literally, I talked to somebody yesterday and they were like, I don't do bars anymore. I only do bars at restaurants because going to bars is too much. It's too much. All the theatrics of it, all the just drama that comes along with it and everything. Especially if you live in a small town like us. Even in the big city, we're never going to see these people again. Some people just come in with a vibe. But I think when you go somewhere where you can order a basket of fries, people are a little bit more humble. That's true. But I feel like at some point when you go into a certain place after a certain time, things just happen. Things go down and it's usually just not good. Once you're past the witching hour, the energy gets a little weird. My aunt always told me nothing good happens after 12. Always just make sure you're home before 12. And I used to roll my eyes when she would tell me that. This is when I was in my early 20s and I'm like... And it's like now being 35. Absolutely. My grandpa used to say, if you haven't done it by midnight, it's probably not for you to do anyway. Exactly. So that's our little recap about Scottsdale. You guys, oh, we had so much fun. I highly recommend you guys, if you've never taken a limo to the airport, oh my gosh, that was a highlight. We surprised her with a limo to the airport. It was awesome. First of all, little pro tip for those of you that are out there getting inspired by this conversation, wanting to play a girls trip with your friends do them a favor and do not plan a fucking flight when the sun is not up nobody was happy about that I love you I was so happy to start the trip off get the most of it but nobody wants to get up at 3 a.m. no that's true we would definitely do that there was limited flights because it was you guys it was spring training and it was St. Paddy's weekend so it was either fly at 4 a.m. or fly at 10 p.m. and we didn't want to miss that whole day Friday but no absolutely pay the extra The first 24 hours of that trip felt like it was a week. And quite honestly, we did enough to fill an entire week. We had so much fun, you guys. She said they totally surprised us or surprised me. I'm sitting there like you, for the first time ever in my life, I was on time. I was not only on time, but I actually think I got there about 10 minutes early. And there I am with my espresso martini and a little tumbler cup. And I'm like, all right, guys, let's go. Let's load the bags. What the hell are we waiting for? Come on. And she's usually the late one. And I'm like, let's put the bags in the car. And they're like, oh, well, do you want to take a video opening this champagne? And I'm like, I could have gotten 10 more minutes sleep. And I didn't understand what was going on. on and then all of a sudden here comes this limo and I'm like that's probably not taking the neighbor's kids to school no definitely not I was like what is that oh half asleep but that was awesome it was so much fun just the limo ride in itself it just kicked it off well we all knew like that you have had a really rough year also and you guys don't wait until I feel like so many times we wait until somebody passes away or something very dramatic happens to where we lose someone really special in our life. to tell them and to show them how much we care about them and love them. And tomorrow isn't guaranteed. And we just wanted you to know how much we love and care about you. And just don't wait, you guys. So we were going back and forth about today's topic, you guys. And we wanted to start off with there's a poem that it's a trend on TikTok right now. Maybe you guys have heard of it. It's called I Met My Younger Self for coffee. highly recommend doing this by the way if you're a tiktoker go look at it because there's a lot that pops up in there that you're just like oh what would that be like can you put yourself in those shoes but did you want to read that the one yes because you actually i follow the poet who wrote this poem that started the trend and she's amazing you guys so we wanted this to be about what would you say to your younger self and just the journey of self-love and being growth and coming into your own as a woman right self-discovery because i feel like your 20s is all trying to figure out the people in your life you're you're trying to figure out who you're gonna marry who your best friends are what family members you're taking you know into your circle and and bringing into the next um you know part of your life right i feel like your 30s is about like meeting yourself and like finding out like who you really are you know absolutely absolutely yeah I feel like yes I got it yeah I feel like the 30s is definitely where you take a lot of you're not you're not like fully all the way there yet, you know, where you want to be, but you take a lot of the, you've learned a lot of the lessons and made a lot of the mistakes in your twenties and you get to take those into your thirties and apply them. And like, we're still learning. We're always going to be learning and growing, but there's a different level of maturity. I think that comes into your thirties, at least for a woman. Yeah. Um, but yeah, you guys, your forties will be here soon. Yeah. Maybe I swear I've kind of, I found with men like it really does take them a little bit longer and like we love a man in his 40s I don't know a little bit older is usually they've got more of the life experience and maturity under their belt but yeah okay so this poem is by Jenna Jenna I don't know how to pronounce her last name see maybe you can do it Jenna Cecilia. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's how it's spelled, but all one word on Instagram. We'll tag her. Yeah. You guys can find her. Yes. And I'm going to read you guys this poem. So it says, I met my younger self for coffee at 1015. She was late. I was early. I wore my dark brown hair and slick in a slick back bun. Her hair was faded red and in her face. I had dark blue jeans on. She wore sweatpants with a few stains. She lets out a sigh and has a good cry i tell her to release her feelings one at a time the scars on her have now faded on me quite a bit i want to tell her it won't always be like this but i don't she doesn't need to hear that things Wow. that just like, it gets me, it always makes me emotional when I read that. And so, yeah, basically the trend is, you know, they're doing different versions of that, but applying their own stuff to it. So it begs the question, what would you tell your younger self? Um, and I think it goes, what you're at 20, your 20 year old self. So for me, that would be 21. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, What would you tell your younger self? 21-year-old Cody, honestly, 21-year-old Cody was like the girl we were making fun of at the bar over the weekend. You know what I mean? Like, she's doing too much, you know? But I think that I would tell 21-year-old Cody, like, it's okay. Like, you'll get there. Like, don't try so hard to please everybody. Please yourself, you know, and the rest will come. I would tell her not to stay out too late. I would tell her that it is okay to not be the last person at the party. Yes. And, you know, still go and have fun and do all the things. I mean... 21 year old me had the same energy that I have about certain things, you know, like some of the things that I really, really loved about 21 year old me is like, she would book the trip. She would buy the concert tickets. Like there was not a single thing that I wanted to do with that age that I didn't go and do. Yeah. And I love that for me. Like, and I love that I've brought that energy. If there's one thing that I continue to bring is that right there because that you don't hesitate on doing the things that you want to do. You're unapologetic about it. Like I, I've never been the one to really care about like material things, you know, stuff like that. Like, you know, don't, don't buy me, uh, pair of jeans or you know a bag or you know any of those things like buy me the concert ticket like buy me the experience the experience I want a memory over an item yeah you know and um yeah I I think I would just tell 20 21 year old me like It'll come.

SPEAKER_01: 13:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 13:46

You know, you'll figure it out. There was a lot of things that I had to figure out at that time that I had to accept myself before other people could accept it. Like what? Let's get into the nitty gritty because this is where the good juicy stuff is that's going to help people. So, I mean, when I was 21, like I was still, I mean, I had come out at an early age. I think like everybody kind of knew that even in high school. I was never really like... you know, secretive or anything like that when it came to that. But I think... Coming out as gay. Yeah, coming out as like gay, bi, whatever, you know. And so for me... I think that my problem was is that I wanted everybody else's acceptance first before I truly accepted it for myself. You know, I wanted everybody else to be like happy and comfortable before like I really could be happy and comfortable. Yeah. You know, and like that's a piece that like I didn't realize until very, very later on, you know, that you were looking for the external validation that it was OK for you to be who you really who you were. Well, and I really. with your sexual orientation and everything, that people would accept it. Yeah, and I realized later on too that like, I think a lot of people didn't accept it or, or didn't really, um, take it for face value because I think that they could see that like, I wasn't necessarily comfortable in it yet. Yeah. You know, if that makes sense. Yeah. You know, because, um, I think I was always kind of like, well, like, are you good with it? You know, it's kind of like, um, like I think about it, like when you're sharing a pizza with somebody, you know, it's like, and you, and they ask like, do you want ranch? Yeah. You know, and it's like, well, do you want ranch? You know, like you always ask the other person. Or like what toppings or what kind do you want to do? And it's like, and you try to like go with the most cohesive thing that like they want, but it's like, but what do you want? Like, are you really getting what you want? Like, are you really happy with that? You know? And so it's like this weird push and pull where it's like you both are asking the same question, but giving like weird, like suggestive answers. You know what I mean? And I feel like it's weird of an analogy as that was. Like, that's kind of like how... I have always been with myself yeah like what are you willing like you're asking the other person whether it be a family member friends peers you're like what are what are you looking able to stomach yeah what are you looking for what do you want out of me like I have always been a people pleaser for whatever reason I'm sure there's probably some deep-seated you know stuff there you know but maybe I'll figure that out one day in therapy but like Yeah. Yeah. this is who I am and I'm here for it yeah this is who I am like it or not yeah like I have always been the kind of person to like change things up or you know rearrange my schedule for something rather than say this is when I'm available you know I'm kind of dealing with that right now you know like with my new promotion at work it's like all of a sudden like you know I'm not going to Pilates four days a week anymore like now I'm going like twice maybe and like you know like my My schedule is all jacked up and like I'm letting go of a lot of things or taking time away from other things that were really like my thing. Yeah. You know, I always put myself on the back burner. Yeah. Do you feel like you still do that though? I for sure do. Yeah. I haven't been to the gym in two weeks. Like, you know, like, and believe me, it shows. Like, I'm like, I can't wear certain jeans right now, you guys.

UNKNOWN: 17:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 17:37

But I don't know. It's a, it's a weird thing that I'm trying to like really focus on not being that person, you know, and just like letting people meet me where I'm at, you know, rather than always trying to like go the extra mile. Yeah. And you're newly in your thirties cause you're, you just turned. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be 31 on Thursday. Yes. That's why we kind of wanted to do this too. Like, what would I tell my younger self? Because she has a birthday coming up. So we're like, Oh, that would be perfect. Yeah. Yeah. What would you tell young Kaylee? Oh, man. Well, I had my daughter at 19, so I was really young. Well, I got pregnant at 19. I had her at 20. And then I got married in my early 20s. So just to give you a little back story. I think, firstly, I would tell her to stop worrying so much about other people's expectations of you and stop worrying about doing what you feel like you're supposed to do. Cause it was one of those things where you have kids and then people expect you to get married and you know, I felt like social norms. Yeah. I felt like I was doing things that were, I was just checking off of a list, you know, like, okay, marriage, you know, daughter, you're, you know, all of that. Like I was just literally checking the boxes, checking the boxes.

UNKNOWN: 19:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 19:06

And I think I would also– so I definitely– I think I also really– it was really hard being such a young mom and then being a wife at that age because I hadn't even got to have the experience, you guys, of, like, the fun that you get to have in your 20s and, like, going out and, you know, just doing all that. Like, I completely– that kind of got, you know, obviously– kind of got taken away from me. Yeah. So I didn't get those years. So, um, it, and it was really hard trying to do that and get that out of my system when I also had the responsibility of being a mom and a wife so young, you know? So, yeah, I think that, I think I would definitely tell her that everything you have gone through from your childhood to up to now was all for a reason and it's going to shape who, who you really are and who you end up becoming, um, that you're going to be able to take all of the pain and transmute it and turn it into like learning lessons and turn it into power and all of that. Um, what else would I tell me? I think just, um, Also, like how you were saying, you've never been like a material person. I definitely went through, I grew up very, very poor, you know. And so I think in my 20s, I made the mistake of putting material things above things that truly mattered for a good chunk of time. Um, so I used to prioritize that and it's like at the end of the day, material things come and go and you know, it's like it had a different significance to you because it was something that wasn't a choice that you had. Yeah. Now that you have the choice and you have the means, you're like, Oh, well I'm going to do it. Yeah. Like I'm going to go and buy the, you know,$3,000 Louis bag. I'm going to go and not to knock. Like I know there's people out there that like nice things, but You guys, it's the energy behind why you're doing something. Why I was doing it was not only to prove to myself that I've gotten to a place of success or got to a better place than I was growing up or was able to give my daughter better than what I had. It was like I was trying to prove to myself my worthiness because I didn't have any at the time. I definitely... My confidence came from... external validation very much as well um i think i would also tell my younger self that less is more um i you know went through phases where i was just not good on the inside and i had zero confidence and like self-love um and so i was trying to i was way overdoing it on things like you know, um, plastic surgery or getting injectables and mind you, like I still do some maintenance thing, but less is more now for me. Um, so I have noticed that, like I've noticed like even just in like the last year, like how much like you just seem more comfy, you know, like in your own skin. Yeah. You know? yeah and it's still a work in progress you guys um everybody but even as you age too you know it's like because all of a sudden the things that you're like oh that that part's fine you know now i'm working on this and then all of a sudden you start getting older and you're like oh like that's not where it used to be you know like oh there's these gray hairs like i was it's like i think it's a constant journey as we get older of continuing to to love what we're seeing when we look in the mirror you know because our bodies our faces everything are going change you know they're gonna age but um but yeah less is more um for sure yeah i used to do like bleach the crap out of my hair and like it was just my hair was super damn i mean i was just And yeah, not to knock, I'm a hairstylist, not to knock people that bleach their hair. I just mean like you guys, I was... Well, don't you specialize in that? Yeah, I do. But I'm saying like, like I said, once again, it's why you're doing something. Are you just doing it for you because it makes you confident and happy? Or are you doing it for external validation? Are you doing it, you know, for the wrong reasons because you don't love yourself? Yeah. Do it for the plot. Always do it for the plot.

UNKNOWN: 23:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 23:53

But you guys, I'm here to tell you that no amount... Gosh, I know so many women that are like this, and I recognize it because I was one of these people, you guys. No amount of plastic surgery is going to make you feel better on the inside. You're going to get something done, and then you're going to move on to something else. You're just... I know so many people who are already like... And I'm all about, look, if you're self-conscious about something and you want to fix it, that's fine. Do it. but I'm talking about more on an extreme level where I know women that are just, they get something done and then they get it done again and done again and bigger and more. And I feel like there's even like a, um, and I, I think about this all the time cause I, I had plastic surgery done. Like I had like a reduction done and everything. Um, and like they set me aside, my surgeon and was like, you know, do you have like support at home and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, Oh yeah, my friend's going to take care of me. Like, you know, and make sure like I take my medication on time and you know it's gonna help me get to the bathroom you know but they were like no like do you have like support like mental support because they're like you don't like they they're like you will have like a little bit of like body dysmorphia and like all these different things and like it could cause you to like you know sometimes get depressed or like all these different things and I don't think a lot of people realize that going into it because think about it you're going in and you're having these things done thinking that it's going to give you a confidence boost right and you think that you're going to wake up off the table and like be this brand new person and like have it all this new lease on life and then all of a sudden you see yourself and you're like well damn that's not what I envisioned you know or like this didn't come out exactly how I thought it was going to look I'm shocked I mean I've had you know I've had things done also I had you know because I've had two kids I had a lift and you know I've had some some stuff done. Um, so I'm not knocking plastic surgery completely, but, um, I've never, I never had a doctor do that. I think that you guys, if you're thinking about getting anything done, whether it be like, if you had kids, you want, you're thinking about getting a tummy tuck, or maybe you're, you have small, a small chest and you're thinking about getting breast implants, whatever, whatever it is you're thinking about, um, Take what Cody's saying. And I'm telling you guys, it's a thousand percent true. Exactly what the doctor told her. You're going to go through like a total like it's like a mindfuck. You guys, you think that you're going to do this and you're going to be happy. And it's not always what you need, because I mean, the thing is this, right? You know, it's like. you're, you're not ever going to be perfect. I think that like our generation, I know I always kind of go back to certain things, but it's like, I think about like the Sims game, you know, did you ever play Sims? I remember Sims. Yeah. And you go and you build your character and blah, blah, blah. And I mean, I don't know if you built a character to not be you, like you, you're kind of weird. Like, you know, like, like, you know, that you tried to get somebody that like looked like you, like was cool, like blah, blah, blah. And you're like, all right, here's little Cody, like running around Simsville, blah, blah, blah. You know? And it's like, when you have those kinds of things, you can sit there and toggle back and forth and go, okay, you know, do I want that shirt or this one? Or do I like that, you know, shade of the hair color or this one better? Blah, blah, blah. I feel like when people sometimes get certain things done, they almost feel like it's like that where they see it visually in their mind and like come up with this picture of this is what I'm gonna look like you know and then like move on from it and then you wake up and you're like oh like that's not really like what I thought like I I had a a reduction and a lift because I just naturally had really really yeah boobs you know always did and like I started having like back issues from it and stuff like that you know so they were like you know you could do this and I had the money for it so I was like you know what whatever, during COVID, I was like, I don't even have to go to work. I sit at my laptop, you know? So I'm like, if not now, then when? Yeah. And so like, I went and did that. And honestly, in my mind, I... I remember talking to the doctor and him being like, well, what size do you want? And I'm like, oh, I'd be cool with a really full C. And he's like, oh, well, we don't talk like that. It's like a measurement, like CCs or whatever. I didn't have implants done, so I was like, I don't know, if I could touch and feel it and be like, this is what I like. It's like, how do you do that? It's not as simple as going to go and see your hairstylist and being like, this is the haircut I want. But even with that, you guys, you know how many times people bring in a picture of something And once again, it's like what we do with plastic surgery. Like you may have been like, Oh, I want my, my boobs to look like this, or I want my hair to look like this. everyone's starting points different though you can't compare it to that that's why you were saying sometimes you get something done it doesn't look the way you had expected it to look yeah you know well and i even think now like okay like i try to be really realistic when i'm visualizing things like that and go okay i'm not gonna go and look at you know the the instagram model or this influencer that i'm following and say i want that exact physique yeah you know when i'm working out like i could follow that girl's same split follow her same diet all those things but my genetics are not the same which might not be the same height as me might have longer legs or a skinnier torso you know something like that it's just not going to look the same

SPEAKER_01: 29:35

you

SPEAKER_00: 29:36

know like we're all different everybody has a different kind of like chemistry like makeup you know what I mean and it's like it's not going to be the same comparison is the thief of joy oh yeah absolutely I would just you guys I would urge you to like if you're thinking Mm-hmm. Yeah. I say, yeah, do the work on the inside first, you know, make sure you're good on the inside. And once you get yourself to a really good place, if you still want to do it, you know, then do it. But yeah, because a lot of times, you know, we're trying, we're, we're overcompensating for something. Yeah. And it's not something that's going to like going and getting something done. Isn't going to fix your confidence. No, you know, it doesn't. Exactly. If you're doing something, cause you don't feel comfortable in your body or you wish you were this, or you wish you were that, like, nine times out of 10, it's not going to help you because that's a, that's a, that's up here. You know what I mean? Like there's a difference between saying, you know, Oh, I can't get a boyfriend or a husband or a wife or whatever. So I'm going to go and, you know, get my boobs done. So I look more attractive. It's like, no, like that's not why. Also, you know, like I think I did, honestly, I'm going to be completely honest. I think in my twenties, I did a lot of stuff just so I could be more attractive to the opposite sex.

UNKNOWN: 31:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 31:14

Not necessarily so I could find myself more attractive. I mean, now that's not the way I move or why I do things anymore at all. Now what I do is for myself. But in my 20s, it wasn't. I was doing it for everyone else. I mean, that's how I felt in my 20s too, quite honestly. I mean, I should insert a picture right here. I know, right? We'll see if we can do that. That would be cool. If not, maybe I'll put it in the comments or something. But I mean, when I was 21, I had... like probably super long platinum blonde hair did my makeup up every day like always wearing like cute trendy clothes all that which is totally fine but at the end of the day like that didn't really like suit my personality or like who I really was like you know and how I felt like on the inside kind of thing but it was like oh well that's how all my friends dress that's how all my friends or or also an expectation that maybe a parent put on you yeah I mean of what you thought your let's just say you know mom or someone like that kind of made you feel like how you needed to look. Yeah, I mean, for sure. You know, like, I'm the only daughter, you know what I mean? So it's like, you kind of, you're supposed to look a certain way and kind of fulfill that, you know? I mean, that's, I feel like that's how everybody is to a certain degree, right? You know, I mean, think about it, like, your parents dress you until you're six, you know what I mean? Like, so you really don't even have the freedom to express your own stuff until you're, like, older, you know? Yeah, very true. And... you know, a lot of, a lot of parents do like, I mean, your kids, they, they get to do whatever, you know, they want and express themselves for the most part. You know, I think that you've done a really good job of like letting them both kind of like live in their own style and yes, I will say I have not been perfect at it. It's something that as I have grown and, um, done a lot of work on myself, a lot of therapy and a lot of healing, I realized the trauma that we create for our kids, um, by pushing our our own expectations of what we think that they should be or dress like onto them um and how that that can create a lot of problems later on down the line and that's something that I don't want to do for my kids you know my daughter now is 15 and uh you guys I made a lot of mistakes when she was little let me tell you but and like you know and then I have my son who's seven so I My son is getting a much better version of me than my daughter got. My daughter, we grew up together. Like, I was still growing up and figuring it out, you know? So I made a lot of mistakes. But as far as... Well, being the first kid, like, she's kind of like the trial child. Yeah, literally. Like, I mean, like, that was me. Shout out to the trial child. Yeah, like, my brother... you know he he had it pretty easy because my mom already knew all the things you know where it's like i was the one that was like all right let's see how this works out yeah i was the first grandkid i was the first kid like yep you know all those things so i for sure was the trial child and it shows yep my personality is completely different than my brothers or even like my younger cousins yeah you know because it was just well you know you're the there is no kids table because you're the only kid yep so you get to stay with the adults you know i'm i'm my mom Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think I've ever met any of your siblings. Yeah, they all live in another town. You'll meet if you come to Leo's birthday party. Oh, yeah, I'm not going to Vegas now. Did I tell you that? Yeah, you did. Yeah, I can't do that. That was too much. I bit off way more than I could chew, you guys. She needs some detox. Yeah, I need some sleep. But yeah, with my daughter the way that I am now, she's in her teenage years, and I let her self-express. We're actually in the process of doing her hair pink, you guys. She's got a couple piercings, you know, but I kind of like, I'm like, okay. You know, there is... I mean it's like there's some limitations there it's not just a free-for-all but you know and I'm just I let her embrace permanent you know but like I let her embrace her she dresses the way she wants she's got her own little vibe and her edgy style about her which I think is adorable it's kind of the style that I used to have and that it's it'll always be a part of me I'm still kind of edgy and so I love it and I love I just love her for who she is and and yeah my little Leo I'm still kind of dressed But you know what, you guys, some days you got to just let your kids wear what they want, man. Pick and choose your battles. There's some mornings where it's, you know, it's going to be 80 degrees and my son wants to wear a beanie and mismatched clothes, polka dots with stripes and blue shoes with a red shirt. And, you know, sometimes you guys just let them just let them. You got to just let them. It's like because at the end of the day. what are we who are we worried about being judged by that's true the kids aren't judging each other the kids don't care what they're each other's wearing we're worried about being judged by the other parents what we what we sent them to school with yeah so there was one time i'll tell you a little funny story my my dad um you know he would be like taking care of us like a lot sometimes because my mom used to travel a lot for work when we were young she's just total boss babe right she'd be on like flights and be leaving early commuting all the the time like worked her ass off yeah so there'd be a lot of times where like my dad was kind of like mr mom you know and like would be the one at home like actually like you know getting us ready for school taking us doing our yeah it just so happened that my mom was like on like a business trip or something like that on picture day oh insert picture here i should just like dink right there yeah um i turned out okay because i was dressing myself and i could do my own hair and all that kind of stuff at this point but my brother was like in like the second grade or something like that yeah and you know how it is like you know like you lay out those clothes and you're like this is the picture day outfit right you know and you've already picked out which color background and all these things it's all very cohesive and matchy matchy and you know no clashing nothing so what did he put on you oh no i was good oh okay i did me but andrew my brother my He let him dress himself, too. Oh, on picture day. What did he wear? He wore, like, a gray shirt that had, like, a bunch of, like, random, like, blue and, like, orange colors on it. I don't know if it was, like, a Hot Wheels shirt or something like that. But then he had, like, a red, like, checkered shirt. I don't know. Like... not flannel but you know like yeah like something over like a button up or something yeah like a button up you know like not flannel but like that pattern you know what I'm talking about and the buttons were like mismatched like like you know like the second button didn't start until you know like it was like down there so it was like the shirt was like you know you'll have to show me I gotta see that picture and he did his own hair so like instead of like he had like a little like flat top kind of thing going on but he basically like slicked it all down like this and then just went like right up the top and was just like I remember when that used to be in look at that's gonna be like something that he looks back on though and like laughs at my brother had the best school pictures man I'll never forget probably the that was like second best the very best one that ever came I remember my mom was so mad when this happened um When my brother was young, he had an incident where he knocked out his two front teeth. And so for many years, he had a little flipper. Yeah. Because where it broke, he couldn't get implants or anything done until he had quit growing. Otherwise, they would shift and do all kinds of things. It would totally mess up his teeth. He's good now, and he has beautiful teeth. I'm very jealous. So it was kind of like his little trademark that he had his little thing going on. Is that right? Okay, it's still recording. I just wanted to make sure it was still rolling. Yeah.

UNKNOWN: 40:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 40:13

Yeah, anyway, so Andrew, he had, like, this little, like, retainer that had, like, two fake teeth that, like, went right here, right? And so, like, that was always his little joke. Like, he would sit there and, like, flip them up and down or take them out and, you know, do whatever. And so for his, like, junior, like, picture, his junior year in high school, he, like, got, like, he bet somebody, like, a burrito or something like that. I don't know what it was, but he, biggest smile ever, no two front teeth as a junior in high school. And he's just, like... I love that. Shout out to the kids that did their own thing growing up. I remember. And he didn't say a word about it either. Like the pictures came like a month later and my mom opened them up and it was all, what the fuck? Like Andrew, like I ordered these. Oh man. You know, love them. Okay. Let's, let's, um, okay. I want to know, let's do this. what would you you guys i hope that we've kind of made you reflect on this is all to help you kind of see how far you've come also and like reflect on the lessons that you've learned um no matter how old you are you know on you know um reflect on the lessons that you've learned and a big part of, um, because I'm like, I've done a lot of like therapy and things like that too. You know, a big part of why we are the way that we are stems from our childhood. A lot of our traumas, different things like that. We carry obviously into our adult years. Um, what would you tell, like, what would you tell your younger self? Like as a kid, like the younger, like little you, like little, little girl, Cody, um, you know i don't know five to ten years old you're in your childhood bedroom you're sitting in front of her um i this is something i do with because i do sound healing you guys the crystal sound bowls um this is something i'll do in like meditation that'll have people go into their childhood bedrooms and talk to younger them and so what would you tell little cody um You know, ironically, I think I would tell her the same thing I would tell 20-year-old Cody. Like, you know, it's like, you don't have to really care what people think, you know? I think when I was growing up and, you know, as a kid and then also, you know, as like a young adult, like, I truly was the person that like really cared deeply about what people thought of me.

SPEAKER_01: 42:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 42:42

Like, I don't know what it is about me, but like I always truly cared, like... If people liked me, like, if I was the most popular, if I had the most friends, like, all those things. And I think I would have been a lot happier, like, just not giving a fuck. Like, you know? Like, whatever that thing is too bad that you couldn't just take it out of you. Yeah, like, it's literally the craziest thing. I mean, you know, we live in a small town, guys. And, like, I live in the town that I grew up in. And a lot of the people that I grew up with still live here and, like, see each other. And it's so funny. Recently, um... I've been running into some people that I knew growing up. When you were a kid. When I was a kid. And one of them was out with us last night. And this is somebody that... I you know knew from like elementary school and we went through phases where we were really good friends and then we would you know not be the best of friends or even like get into things where like we'd be like bullying each other like yeah you know like things like that like it was like that like tumultuous you know in fifth grade right and it's like it's so crazy to like have a conversation with somebody like that now like in your 30s and like literally like look at each other and be like I'm not like that anymore you know and it's so funny because it's like I just like how crazy would it have been if we would have just been like cool friends, like the whole time, you know what I mean? And like, just had fun and made memories and did all those things and said, Hey, we've been friends since the fifth grade. You know what I mean? And it's like, you think about those things and like all that little shit that just doesn't matter. Like who cares? Like if so-and-so didn't invite you to their birthday party, who cares if, you know, uh, you didn't get to go in this specific car on the field trip and ride with those girls you know what I mean it's like make the best of where you're at and who you're with you know and like I think that that's something that I really didn't totally get until maybe like a year ago yeah quite honestly like recently like just recently did I stop caring like who the fuck liked me or not you know and it's a very freeing thing and I think that even more so now since then like for the first time like I like me Exactly. Yeah. When you're securing yourself, you don't need other people to like you or approve of you or your life decisions. Like, you know, as long as you're good with, with you and how you're living your life and the person that you look at when you look in the mirror, like it's like people can think whatever they want. Yeah. You know, exactly. What would you tell you? Baby K. Um, think really similar to to what I told what I would tell myself in my 20s but I think also like I think I would just tell myself that things do get better things do get better that everything you're going through right now is going to shape you into exactly who your future kids need you to be for them And I get emotional. I mean, I just I don't think had I not gone through the tough childhood that I did with the parents that I did, I don't think I would be able to be the mom that I am for my kids and the things that they've had to go through. And I just I don't think I'd be as strong and as resilient as I am now. I really, truly do believe you guys that. We pick our parents before we come here and we do it for the learning lessons of our highest good that will come later from picking those parents. Regardless of what kind of trauma or things you guys have been through, if you've had a rough childhood, you guys understand where I'm coming from. And honestly, I've had a tough upbringing and I've had a tough past. I've been through a lot. But honestly, I wouldn't change it. Like if I could go back and change it, I wouldn't, you guys, because if you're someone who's gone through things like that, you know exactly what I mean. I mean, we are some of the... toughest most resilient people out there and one thing that's really cool about having a fucked up childhood is that you may not have had a good example of what healthy love looks like or what healthy parents look like but you guys we learned what not to do yeah okay we would learn what not to do so and then I think that you know when you go through that and you be you become a parent yourself and you have this chip on your shoulder of like, I gotta do better for myself and I gotta do better for my kids. Whereas I think it couldn't have been any other way for me, you guys. It couldn't have been any other way. It had to be this way. I love the woman that I am today. Flaws and all. And I know that I wouldn't be her if it weren't for the parents that I had and the upbringing that I had. So yeah, I think I would just tell little Kay that it's all happening for a reason and it's going to shape you into like this, just beautiful, strong and resilient woman that you're going to become later. Oh God. Yeah. And you know what? Like, honestly, like you are strong and you are resilient and you know, like you said, like you, all those things that you had to go through, like prepared you to be the friend and the mom and you know, the girlfriend and all the things that you are, you know? And like, both your kids are so lucky. Thank you. Because they, if they didn't have that, who's to say who they would be, you know, or, or if they would have the confidence to be who they are, you know, if they didn't have somebody like you pushing them to be that, you know, thank you. And yeah, I ask you guys to also reflect on what you would say to little you, or maybe for someone that is in your twenties or you're still, you know, on the younger side and you're listening to this, um, Just to know that whatever you are going through right now, you're going to grow and you're going to learn from it and it's going to shape you into a really strong human being. And it's going to be okay whether you are figuring out your sexual orientation, you're coming out about it, you're worried about what people think, whether you are in an abusive relationship, whether you're trying to heal from... Parents that were addicts or absent or maybe parents that stayed married but fought and just did all the time and didn't give you a good example of love. Just know that anything that you're going through right now, no matter who you are or what stage of your journey you're in, that it all happens for a reason and it's going to make you a better person for it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And it gets better. Yeah. It gets better. You have to grow through what you go through. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. So I hope that we've helped you guys kind of like reflect on. Reflect a little bit on what you'd say to younger you and some of the learning lessons that come from your 20s and into your 30s and you know in your 30s you really do I feel like come into your own and you really do kind of. you get this just mentality of not giving a fuck what people think about you. I'm too tired to give a shit. Yeah. You know, that's where I'm at right now. Yeah. I'm just tired. And you guys, if, I mean, if you're sitting there judging, I don't judge no one for nothing, man. I,

SPEAKER_01: 51:09

If

SPEAKER_00: 51:09

you're sitting there judging someone else or talking crap about someone else for something that they did or are doing or whatever, you guys, before you do that, look in the mirror, please. We're all at different points in our journey. The moment you judge someone is the moment that you're signaling the universe to... give you that same challenge a lot of times when we judge someone um or we talk shit or say i would never the universe about to you about to the universe is gonna give you exactly that so you can learn that we are all one and we are how you handle it you know exactly exactly it's like squid games but you know whoa that was dark i've actually never watched that show really no dude oh i have that kind of shit yeah no That'd be crazy. All right. Well, I think that's it for us for this week. Um, thanks for tuning in and thanks for hanging out with us on my birthday week. Yeah. I'm super excited and you know, let's see what, uh, what we have to talk about next week. Yeah. Hopefully not too many shenanigans, but you know, you never know. All right. Well, Listen for the tea or listen for the lesson. That's the Unengaged Podcast. We'll talk to you guys next week. All right. Bye, guys. Bye. Watch it didn't record. It didn't do the audio.