SPEAKER_00: 0:33

hey guys welcome this is cody and kaylee again back at it with the unengaged podcast yep we're here sorry for the late release on today's episode this weekend's been a little bit hectic My birthday celebration just has not stopped. Hopefully it's over now. I know. You Aries,

SPEAKER_01: 0:55

you guys celebrate your birthday more than anybody else I know. We go hard. Like, I know a couple different Aries, and man, I didn't even realize how many Aries I have in my life. Yeah. Including my son, who just had a birthday on Saturday. And, yeah, you guys, when they say celebrate your birthday all month long, mind you, I'm a Capricorn. I thought I did, but holy... Whoa. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 1:22

You know, yesterday I went to one of our local bars for like one drink after work because it was a little bit hectic of a day. And so one of the other bartenders and I went to go and have some food and a drink just to like chill out before going home. And I found not one, but two people at the bar that had birthdays this weekend that wanted to celebrate. One of them actually had the exact same birthday as me. So, you know, one beer was not that one. That wasn't how the accounting ended up at the end, but yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 1:54

Yeah, there's a lot of March birthdays, a lot. But yeah, you guys, so we want to talk about toxic relationships today. We know a lot about them because we both had lifelong experiences with them. So we figured we would make today's episode about that.

SPEAKER_00: 2:13

Yeah, you know, there's a lot to be learned when it comes to things like that. I think every, in some form, some way, has dealt with some toxicity in relationships. Sometimes you have somebody who's toxic and you're in the relationship with them. relationship person. And I think that it's fair to say that even unknowingly, you might have been both at one point in time. And sometimes it's just a learning curve, you know, and understanding that maybe, you know, your toxic traits come from other things or derived from past experiences, whether it be in other relationships or what you've learned, you know, seeing growing up, seeing certain things.

SPEAKER_01: 2:56

Yeah, I know we've kind of talked about that. I've kind of talked a lot about like how I didn't have the good examples growing up of that. Yeah, so I think, you know, especially for me, you started off as a child not seeing you know healthy relationships in your life whether it be with your mom and dad or whoever raised you or the people you were around the most then you're definitely more likely to kind of follow that same path even unconsciously even if you think that maybe you want different or you know um because that's just what you've been programmed to see. And that's also a lot of times we tend to recreate that in our adult relationships.

SPEAKER_00: 3:34

Yeah. So, well, it's absolutely that way. Like, I mean, when we talk about this, we joke about this actually in some of our past episodes, like how, you know, I'm a very specific type. And quite honestly, it's like, as much as I try to derive from that and like, you know, try something new, because obviously the last ones didn't work for one reason or another. And, you know, but you're attracted to certain things. Not everything is always bad, right? Not every trait is toxic, but a lot of people kind of share similar patterns, right? Yes. you know so absolutely you see those things where it's like ah you know they check box a b and c really really well and all those things but a lot of times with a b and c also comes you know certain set of

SPEAKER_01: 4:18

problems yeah absolutely yeah i definitely had a certain type growing up um that's for sure more kind of like the bad boy aesthetic And okay, sickening as this sounds, you guys, I don't know, if you really think about it, if you think about what you grew up around, the daddy issues thing, You know, like my dad's Hispanic. He has tattoos. Like, I don't know. It's just because you're comfortable. That's what you grew up around. So you're comfortable with a certain aesthetic.

SPEAKER_00: 4:47

Well, that's your idea of a man.

SPEAKER_01: 4:50

Yes, exactly. That was the first man you were ever close with. Absolutely. So yeah, I definitely fell into that. Um, that was like always, I definitely had a type. I think for me, um, something that I'm working on is I now find that I was attracting projects because I finally got myself to a good place mentally and with my healing and therapy over the years and you know, the work is never done where we always are a work in progress, but I got myself to a good place where I was like, why am I still attracting this kind of thing? And I was very intentional about dating different than my normal type. It never stuck. You know what I mean? Like I would date outside of my normal type. looks wise i mean everything

SPEAKER_00: 5:37

i would always ended up in the same parking spot

SPEAKER_01: 5:40

exactly it just never like took off but i kind of have found with me i don't know i want to hear what you found with you kind of more recent um that you feel like you attract for me i i tend to like i want to help people i don't know i want to help people and it's like the you know bob the builder put on my construction hat let me help you and let me fix you kind of thing and that never works you guys I'm here to tell you if you haven't already learned yourself people don't change until they're ready to change and I don't feel like people really change for anyone other than but themselves when they're ready so you can't push people into oh absolutely you know an area that they're not ready to be in whether whatever that may be you guys whether you're trying to you know maybe you're in love with someone that you're like you want to encourage you see the potential in them right you fall in love with the potential you're never supposed to do that And I'm like the queen of that. You know, definitely because I think for me too, like I've always been someone who sees the good in people. And I think with men, I've always fallen in love with the potential and the good. that I see in them that they're capable of. Or like... You see little

SPEAKER_00: 6:54

glimpses.

SPEAKER_01: 6:55

And you hold on to that.

SPEAKER_00: 6:57

Yeah. And you ignore the other parts. It's the five-minute highlight reel of the day where you're like, that was the best moment ever and everything went great and we had this awesome time. And then you don't think about everything else that

SPEAKER_01: 7:10

happened. Yeah. We ignore the red flags and we hold on to the positive things in them. And it ends up biting us in the ass later. Yeah. was always told like basically the things that you can't the things that bother you in the beginning end up being the things you can't look past in the end so like you really got to start paying attention you know to these things and in the people that we're attracting yeah okay so for you well

SPEAKER_00: 7:36

i mean yeah what would you say when you talk about the projects yeah i mean yeah i i always am like a diy dater right yeah you know but you know and it's like it's totally that i mean i think about like you know my ex like the most recent long-term relationship that i had it was very much so that way where it was absolutely diy from the fucking beginning like you know and totally fell in love with the potential um there was a lot of you know in the future i want to do this or i want to be this person or i want to you know hit these goals and do that blah and you know this person that i was with like you know she had a pretty like tattered past like she you know didn't have the best um upbringing or you know like she had a lot of things a lot of issues i'm not gonna put it all on blast but you know she had a lot that kind of set her back from a lot of

SPEAKER_01: 8:28

trauma childhood trauma you

SPEAKER_00: 8:30

know but like good heart yeah you know she did have a

SPEAKER_01: 8:34

lot of really good qualities about her

SPEAKER_00: 8:37

absolutely i cannot

SPEAKER_01: 8:37

even dismiss that

SPEAKER_00: 8:38

oh yeah she no me either i mean you know why would you be with somebody that long if they did it yeah you know what I mean like I could never say that like there wasn't great things yeah about this person um you know because there was a lot of really good stuff about her but you know at the end it like you said all the things that were red flags to me at the very beginning that you know being the things that let it go at the end you know but

SPEAKER_01: 9:04

those were the things that you thought that you thought could change that's the thing

SPEAKER_00: 9:09

yeah

SPEAKER_01: 9:09

is to her core it's like okay is she kind yes is she you know if they have these core things see this is where i struggle because if they have a good heart if they're kind if you know they have good intentions um they're just genuinely good people um You see all that and you tend to look past some of the other things that you're like, oh, well, OK, that could change, though, like these other things are things that could change.

SPEAKER_00: 9:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 9:38

You know,

SPEAKER_00: 9:39

there's also a lot of things, you know, this is what I'll say from my own experience. You can change your style. you can change your environment you can you know change your career you can change your friend group or the people that you're around but there's a lot of things just in yourself that are like your core values your morals um a lot of things that have to do with how you were raised those can't always be unwoven you know a lot of things can't be retaught and those are the things that you have to look at and say okay You know, if we were in a penthouse in the most expensive place that we could possibly be with all of the luxuries in the world, just given to us with absolutely unlimited funds and all of those things, you're going to be this kind of person. Then if I take this exact same person and put them on a deserted island with absolutely nothing, what are the common denominators? What are the things that don't change with all of those variables that change? That's who you are as a person.

SPEAKER_01: 10:38

Yeah. I think what you're trying to say is like, because I know a lot of what you went through with your ex was she would change depending on who she was talking to. Oh, it was a very like con artisty, manipulative type of vibe, which obviously initially didn't realize. But there's some people who are really good at connecting with you. no matter who you are or where, I don't know. And they use it to their benefit.

SPEAKER_00: 11:05

Oh yeah. Well, I mean, think about it. Like, you know, we talk about, Hey, like you lose them, how you get them. Right. You know? And I think about like when I first started dating her and it was, Oh, I'm in this really, you know, shitty situation. Um, you know, I have this weird ex and all these things and you know, like all this is not really working out. He really treated me really shitty. Blah. You saved her. And then I'm saving her from that. and you know come over here I'll show you the good life that kind of thing and then it was funny on her way out it almost seemed as if those people thought that I was that shitty yeah she portrayed it the same way did the same thing victim she victimized played the victim left the dog you know left all the family all the things I mean completely up and left same thing you know she was still on the phone plan like you know it was the exact same situation and you know it's like that's where like I just PSA for you guys out there like if something like seems a little bit too good to be true or it seems weird or you know they can't really like I ask people some people are like oh I never ask about past relationships I don't want to know all those things it's like no I want to know like I want to see the bad Yelp review about you you know like I want to know what the one star ratings yeah I've said this before they should

SPEAKER_01: 12:25

have Yelp for like dating where you can like leave someone a review about like what what type of person they are to

SPEAKER_00: 12:32

date. Give me the warning label. I don't want your highlight reel. If we move past this, I'll see it eventually. But what I want to know, am I going to be okay with all the bad things? Because that's really what life is about, you guys. It's not sunshine and roses. So it's like, if you can't deal with the bad with somebody, why even dabble with the good and fall in love with this highlight reel of somebody just to then end up hurting yourself and everyone else around you when the bad stuff comes up you know

SPEAKER_01: 13:02

yeah yeah it's like you can't it's the things that you try and look past in the beginning like we were saying that in the end you can't look past you know so we have to pay attention to these things for sure you

SPEAKER_00: 13:16

gotta let people show you who they are and believe them you know when they do because a lot of those things come right out you know really quick

SPEAKER_01: 13:24

so relationship track history does matter something that i always like to ask early on is especially if they have kids is what is your relationship like with your ex or with your child's mom or just even if they don't have kids I like to listen to how they talk about their exes to me that tells a lot um because it's like okay if stuff goes south with us or doesn't work out the same way you're talking about them is the way you're going to talk about me

SPEAKER_00: 13:51

well yeah and I think to that it says a lot about accountability that right I always

SPEAKER_01: 13:55

look for if they take any accountability in the breakup

SPEAKER_00: 13:59

yeah because if I mean let's be really real and honest guys there is not a single time that you've ever had a breakup with somebody where you didn't do something wrong yes you know what I mean very seldomly even you could say oh you know what my ex cheated on me and they lived this double life and you know all these things and decided just to run out you know well obviously there was something unfulfilling about your guys's relationship there was something where you could have done a little bit better to you know kind of keep things on track or whatever right yes so it's if you can't own up to that and talk about that yourself and be like you know what I wasn't necessarily the best partner or I didn't always give them the attention that they wanted or any of those things if you can't recognize those little things in yourself and it's constantly somebody else's problem as to why things aren't working out you are also a little bit toxic because you're not you're not

SPEAKER_01: 14:52

you know yeah we all have a little bit of toxicity in us and I think to some degree we like a But not on the extreme level, which we've been on the other side. We've been on the extreme level of things in our past. So, yeah, I know for me, my relationship that I was in, that was the most toxic relationship I had ever been in, which was three and a half years ago. Which, you guys, if you've ever been in a really toxic relationship, I mean... This was extremely toxic to the point that it was abusive. There was addiction involved. There was a lot of verbal abuse, physical abuse, and more so on his side, but I had my part in it, you guys. And it's not to dismiss what has been done, But just like Cody said, we have to find our accountability point also in toxic relationships, you guys, because to me, accountability is power. You take your power back when you take accountability for your part in it. And sometimes, for those of you that have been through really messed up stuff, I'm not saying that women deserve to be abused or anybody deserves to be abused in a relationship and that you should somehow blame yourself. That's not what I'm saying, but... I'm saying like, even if it's figuring out why you attracted this person, what is it inside of you that felt comfortable with, you know, this type of person, you know, we have to figure that out and we have to do work on that. We have to heal it that way. We can attract different next time. So yeah, I definitely think a huge part of my healing from that very toxic, very also you guys addicting. Okay. So yeah, you've been in a really toxic relationship whether there was like a ton of fighting or physical mental verbal abuse you know that it's like a roller coaster like the lows are super low but like you're always when you guys make up you're in the honeymoon phase again so the highs are like super intense and high it's literally like a drug and it's a total addiction even when you're in it you're like i know this isn't healthy i want to get out of it you just like don't know how it's like this loop that just keeps running over and over and over again. And you don't know how to like get out of it because you're just, well, the good is so good that I'm never gonna feel like this with anybody else. when in all reality you guys that's so far from the truth and it's so unhealthy to live your life that way and to be in a constant state of like fight or flight survival mode and like constantly just waiting for the next high basically of the relationship you know because um i know for me it was what what addicting to for me was like the making up part because like when he would be physical with me um or i'd find out he was you know cheating on me or doing something behind my back he would be like this, all the stuff that he would do to make it up to me. So I think a lot of women get caught in that too, because

SPEAKER_00: 18:07

we cling on to the good. Yeah. It's like, oh, now you're trying extra hard. Like this is awesome. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 18:14

Yeah. Just, I don't judge anybody. Um, it's really easy when you're on the outside of relationships like this. Like if you have a friend that's in a relationship like this, like what I'm describing, like very abusive, you know, she's getting cheated on, she's getting abused and you're You're like, what is going on? You know, she

SPEAKER_00: 18:31

needs to get out of it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 18:32

Yeah. Like why? Why do you keep taking him back? Why would you keep putting up with this? You're so much better than that on and on. Right. It's like you don't realize, you guys, how it is. That's like the scary thing about

SPEAKER_00: 18:46

it. I have a friend that literally for probably the last 10 years, if not even more than that, like every single relationship that she's been in has been the exact same. Like it's been different people in different places, different styles, all those different things, but like literally it's the exact same person to the core.

SPEAKER_01: 19:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 19:07

And it's the exact same relationship every time.

SPEAKER_01: 19:09

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00: 19:09

Like she just picks out like these toxic people that, you know, are super toxic for her one way or another and like put her through all these things, cheat on her, you know, have like substance abuse, like all these different things. And she'll like come to me and like talk to me about it and be like, I don't want to be in that anymore. I'm going to move back home. I'm going to do all these things. And then two hours later or two weeks later, she's back and she's back in it again. It's like, here she is like in another city with another person. It's a vicious thing. And I'm like, yeah,

SPEAKER_01: 19:41

it's a very vicious cycle. You guys, it's a vicious, vicious, like it's, yeah, they're those type of relationships. The really abusive, the really toxic ones are the hardest ones to leave, which wouldn't make sense to a lot of people who have an experience this because you're like that would be more of a green light to leave but I'm telling you you get caught up in this cycle and the healing that especially So I grew up also seeing my mom in very abusive relationships. Like I've seen her be physically abused throughout my life from, well, she had a specific long-term boyfriend that would abuse her, but that she would always go back to. And it was like that cycle, exactly what I'm describing, which is what I also got. I ended up doing the same thing. But, and I also saw, yeah, I just, a lot of that. There was just a lot of violence, you know, and stuff like that around me in general. So as much as I said I did not want that, that was what I fell into the trap of. Yeah, it's just there's so much healing that you guys have. There's so much healing that you have to do after finally leaving a relationship like that. And if there's any woman listening that's in an abusive relationship right now and you're completely relating to what I'm saying, I'm telling you guys, the longer you stay, the longer it's going to take you to heal. And let me tell you, it has been a journey for me. This has been now three and a half years of all the healing things, you guys. I mean, I've had life coaches. I've gone through regular talk therapy and EMDR. Love it. If you guys know, you know. But I mean, so much. I was in the relationship for six years.

SPEAKER_00: 21:27

So I've like heard like different people talk about like how, um, like when you're getting out of a long relationship, whether it be, you know, something toxic and abusive or just like you're just heartbroken over how it ended. You know what I mean? A lot of people say it takes half the time that you were in the relationship to fully heal from it.

SPEAKER_01: 21:47

And

SPEAKER_00: 21:48

it's interesting that like you are saying that

SPEAKER_01: 21:50

now

SPEAKER_00: 21:51

that like, yeah, and I've

SPEAKER_01: 21:52

gotten to, yeah, I'm honestly, you guys, I'm not going to, nobody's ever fully healed. Like we always, you know, there'll be things I've gone to, you guys, I've gotten to a really good place. I'm good now. And, um, Do I still have triggers that come up? Absolutely. It's really important to know. And if you guys have been in therapy, you know about triggers, but it's important to know what your triggers are and to know when you're being triggered and to like bring awareness to that and try really hard you guys to like respond differently and not repeat the same pattern or communicate the same way or whatever it may be. But yeah, I would say that's about right. So like six years, it would take you three years. So 10 years, it would take you five.

SPEAKER_00: 22:32

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure for everybody, how much longer do you want to really stay in it? Because the thing is, is even when you decide that day to pack your shit and get out and like actually break it off, somebody like that's not the end. Like that's the beginning of the end, you know?

SPEAKER_01: 22:49

Okay. Exactly what you just said. I thought the hardest part was, you guys, I thought the hardest part was gonna be deciding to leave, packing my stuff, getting a place for me and my kids, selling my house, and finally leaving and physically moving into another house and being done with the relationship. Oh no, you guys. absolutely not i was in for a very rude awakening i had so many issues i had so much anxiety i had realized that my nervous i had system was so jacked up from all those intense highs and lows the abuse everything i had tons of triggers i had so many

SPEAKER_00: 23:29

it was so much no but you know like that's the thing is it when you're breaking up and you actually get out and you start packing your shit and you're done again that is the beginning of the end and it seems like such the hardest first step to make but it really like after that is when the real work is done because you figure when you're doing that and you're moving and you're getting your own phone plan and you're you know getting all the bills paid that you guys split together and you know finally packing all the stuff and getting rid of all the furniture and moving on right there's a checklist you know what needs to be done right and you you through the steps and you do all the things and you make all those you know strides and hit those accomplishments and hit those goals but it's the afterwards like when the dust settles and your friends stop calling you and checking on you and six months have gone by and you know no one's like asking how you're doing anymore any of those things it's like though that's when all of a sudden like you find out who you are you know and like you really start to like find out what you're made of and like you're left with you and that's all you

SPEAKER_01: 24:32

have at the end of the day you guys is you and this is why it's so important to work on you to use your singledom after that use that time after leaving that toxic relationship or even if you're just leaving a relationship you're unhappy and to use it to work on yourself to heal and really start digging up the dirt and the soil getting down to the roots and figuring out what are the things that I need to work on? What is going on up here in my head? What is going on in my body? Like we hold so much in our bodies too, that we don't even realize, you know? Oh,

SPEAKER_00: 25:02

it's a lot. It's crazy. I mean, you know, it'll be almost a year since, you know, my ex and I broke up. Yours is

SPEAKER_01: 25:09

still like,

SPEAKER_00: 25:10

yeah,

SPEAKER_01: 25:11

to me, a year's fresh

SPEAKER_00: 25:12

stuff. It's super, super. And I mean, you know, and it's, it's, it's gotten easier with time as it goes on, but then there's also, I feel like it's still within that phase of like, probably just until recently like there's still things that like come up and it's like you know that i'm finding out we're like done behind my back or like any of those things like you know and it's like just i can't wait for like that part to be over like for new

SPEAKER_01: 25:35

stuff to quit and like to stop coming

SPEAKER_00: 25:37

out yeah like stop like bubbling to the surface and it's like can i just like take a breath and like just yeah you know heal from it like can I just know like this is my bucket and these are all the things there's water

SPEAKER_01: 25:49

spilling out like over it already can you just

SPEAKER_00: 25:53

quit just let it go like I'm gonna just be over it at this point and just like move on and heal and do all the things but it's like there's still like so much stuff that like people randomly bring up and it's like crazy I

SPEAKER_01: 26:05

think you guys it's very easy I was guilty of this as well even though I've done a lot of work and I always say that and I pride myself in that you guys don't get me wrong okay I was Also, after I also partied a lot, I also drowning myself in distraction at the same time from all of the things that kept coming out that I kept hearing. And I also, for certain reasons, had to still have this person in my life. I'll just say that. Gosh, why do we protect these abusers? Like, see, why did I even just do that? It's like, yeah, I still had a co-parent with this person. And so I was continuing to get... for my, I wish I was continuing. I'm gonna be completely honest too. I was continuing to go back and be physical with this person for a duration of time after, because I was just so fucked up in the head and just seeking whatever temporary comfort I could. It's just, and if you guys have been in a really toxic relationship, you know that when you cut it off, it's not a clean cut typically, Typically, you're lucky if it was a clean break, honestly.

SPEAKER_00: 27:12

I don't think I've ever had a clean break with anybody. Yeah, like, you know, you go

SPEAKER_01: 27:16

back, you dabble, you dip your toe in the water, you're towing the line. So there's a lot of that, but there was a lot of just drowning myself in distraction to also not deal with the parts of me, you guys, that I just could not face. And those parts, I'm going to tell you what they are. The parts were the toxicity in me and my contribution to that abusive relationship, you guys, because I contributed a lot also that was just, I'm not proud of you guys. I'm not proud of it. I got caught up in it and I ended up in a lot of my low moments becoming like the person that I was getting abused by in moments when I was in it you guys so I also had to face myself afterward and face those dark parts of me and those toxic parts of me that did things that I i just that aren't me but that i did and that i had to take accountability for that's

SPEAKER_00: 28:18

really hard too that's a really like i want to touch back on that it's like i remember seeing this years ago like some quote somewhere that was like don't become the person that hurt you

SPEAKER_01: 28:30

the thin line between love and hate and it's so easy when you're in it to become like the person that hurt you i

SPEAKER_00: 28:36

remember like the first time seeing that being like I'll never be like that. You know, like, like I, why would I ever want to be like those people? And then like growing up and like looking back, I'm like, okay, like I've definitely picked up some habits along the way. And I think for me personally, the way that I have seen it is like, like I said, like, it's, you know, never really a clean break. I feel like for me because I have always been kind of an enabler and I've always been the kind of person to like always try and like think really deeply and like be intentional about like how does this person feel or a lot of times they're the ones that like I end up always getting people that had screwed up childhoods or you know just hit bad luck in their life or whatever you know and I always felt like I was like saving them right so even in the moments where they were trying to fuck me over I I still was trying to make sure they were good, you know? And like all those things. So like, I feel like I was always the one trying to like make sure they're okay and all those things. And I feel like as time has gone on, like, I'm like, man, like I almost, I wish that I could be like yeah the other person and like have that kind of like i don't give a fuck energy yeah and like just walk away from a good thing you know what i mean and like be okay and just walk away from the wreckage you know and it's like but then i think about that you know and it's like okay as like cool as that would be and you know it hurt less and all those things it's like but at the same time like you don't want to be that heartless person that hurt you yeah i don't want to be that person to somebody else that just walked away like they didn't care or like anything if they still did you know what i mean because it's like you know you do to some degree like you know you do still like have that like heart for somebody and like have those kinds of feelings it's like it doesn't always have to be like ah fuck you i'm out

SPEAKER_01: 30:27

yeah yeah absolutely

SPEAKER_00: 30:29

it's crazy that's

SPEAKER_01: 30:30

very true we don't want to be yeah i i know you're saying like after going through so much sometimes you're just like oh it'd be so much easier to not care it'd be so much easier to be like how they are and have no remorse but then at the end of the day you really sit with that you play it out in your head okay and you look at those people you guys think of the people whoever's like when you've been listening to this whoever has been coming up for you whether it's family member x whatever think of those people the ones that don't give a fuck have no remorse that are like that would you want their life they living a good life are they happy do they have a great job do they have a great like are they genuinely happy in their life was that a life you'd want to live i can guarantee you nine times out of ten or even ten out of ten it's not i would never because you guys karma is real man All of the seeds that we are sowing right now are going to bear fruit. It's going to turn into a tree. It's going to, depending on what you do or don't do, what is it that you're doing now? Because everything that we are doing now, you guys, is what's going to happen in the future also. So if you'll notice, like those people, typically, you know, they're probably not doing so well right now.

SPEAKER_00: 31:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 31:48

They're not people that you'd want to trade lives with. They're not people that you look up to. They're not... Because honestly, I mean, if you're just doing bad and you're never self-reflecting or you're just hurting people in relationships or in friendships and you're never self-reflecting on your part in it, then nothing good will ever come to you. I truly believe that. And even if maybe, you know, It doesn't look like it now. I'm telling you guys later things, things back. I know this because I've made mistakes. I've done bad and it's always come back to me. You guys always, eventually it will come back.

SPEAKER_00: 32:22

Yeah. I think we talked about this in the friendship episode. That's karma. Yeah. You know, the good things come back and the bad things come back. Right. You know, so it's like, I don't know. I just, to do my best to like move forward and like go through all of these things like as if my grandma's watching me you know like so like would my grandma want to go on this date with me or have be here while i'm having this conversation would i be proud of that like you know and it's like some people clearly out here did not have a grandma you know oh my gosh i'm so tight with my grandma you know but it's like grandmas

SPEAKER_01: 32:55

are literally the biggest blessing if you if

SPEAKER_00: 32:58

I want to have my grandma on the pod.

SPEAKER_01: 33:00

Yeah, me too. I've thought about, we should have both of our grandmas on. Just have them do an episode together. Okay. We're going to take that. We can't forget that. We should definitely do that. Yeah. My grandma was literally growing up my safe person. Like she was reflecting back. I had You know, I mean, my mom and my dad, they did the best for who they were at the time. I always say that. My mom has been sober now for 20 years. She's a drug and alcohol counselor. So she eventually turned it around. And I tell her, you know, because she carries a ton of guilt about my upbringing and when she was in her addiction. The, you know, just, yeah, the childhood trauma. that she wishes she could have given me that she didn't get to because she wasn't in her right state of mind. But I tell her, I mean, look, you guys, forgiveness, whether you're leaving a relationship, an abusive one or a toxic one like the ones that we're talking about, I know we talked about this also in the friendship episode, but forgiveness is key. You guys, you have to, if you don't, then you're still holding onto it. And you're literally that holding onto it. You're making yourself sick. Like it's not benefiting you at all. But, um, I've done a lot of work around like forgiving my mom and stuff like that, you know, and my dad for, for, you know, and I, my mom, you did the best you could for who you were at the time,

SPEAKER_00: 34:22

you

SPEAKER_01: 34:23

know, and I don't hold it against her. I absolutely don't. I think that any mom is doing any person in general, but like we're all just doing the best with what we have and we're doing what we need to do to survive most of the time. So absolutely. I'm very grateful that she, you know, eventually got sober and turned around her life and she kind of gets to give my kids now the life that And that time, time and just all the love that when she didn't get to give me when I was little, you know, which is really cool seeing the relationship with her and my kids. But The point being is that, yeah, my grandma was my safe person growing up. Like going back, my grandma was the one that advocated for me. She always had my back. She always had my best interests at heart. She would try to find me like when we'd move around places, you know, at one point took me away from my mom. Like in me, my grandma, I just, my everything. She's just, she's getting, she's getting older too. She's in her eighties now. And I just, it's weird. Cause something I think about a lot is like, her dying because she's getting old. That's the reality is that she's, How many years do I have left with my grandma? I don't know what I'm going to do. You guys want to talk

SPEAKER_00: 35:39

about that.

SPEAKER_01: 35:40

I

SPEAKER_00: 35:40

know I can't. Cause I, I cry. Um, yeah, my, my were everything to me. My, my passed away about a year and a half ago and it's been crazy, crazy, surreal, you know, one of those things. And, and no, my grandma's going to live forever. I don't care what anybody says. She's Kris Jenner. She's going to figure it out.

SPEAKER_01: 36:01

I

SPEAKER_00: 36:02

love, love your grandma.

SPEAKER_01: 36:03

She

SPEAKER_00: 36:03

is so cool. I know everybody always says like, oh yeah, my mom's my best friend, my grandma's my best friend, my sister, this, that. My grandma is legit my best

SPEAKER_03: 36:12

friend.

SPEAKER_00: 36:13

Like there's not a person in the world that I talk to more, you know, or that I trust more or that like, I just want to hang out with. I literally like to hang out with my grandma and like to party. Okay. But like my grandma,

SPEAKER_01: 36:31

she was having a good time. You guys, she was courting us when we were doing karaoke. She's out there dancing. You know what? Shout out to all the Grammys out there. Shout out to all the wisdom that you guys have gained and that you share with us and like grandmas are literally the best so we love you yeah and honestly when i grow up i just want to be like my grandma

SPEAKER_00: 36:51

me too Me too. I think I try a little too hard right now. I'm like the last year of my life. I pretended to be retired quite honestly, but you know, it's been a good time.

SPEAKER_01: 37:03

I love how the subject of like toxic relationships kind of circled back around to, I mean, it makes a lot of sense. Parents and grandparents, you know, also, but, um, yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 37:14

Yeah, I think I'll probably spend the rest of my life trying to find something that even touches what my grandparents had. They were together for, God, I don't know, 53 or 54 years. Literally, they met when my grandma was 17 and were married by 18. They married each other three times.

SPEAKER_01: 37:38

Oh, I love that.

SPEAKER_00: 37:39

And you

SPEAKER_01: 37:40

have my grandma who's been married five times.

SPEAKER_00: 37:42

Yeah. She's single right now. They date each other three times. Once because, well, they had the big wedding that was planned out for like, you know, the... awesome Saturday in July with everybody that they knew and the big church and party and all that kind of thing and it was right around um when people were getting uh deployed and drafted for like war and everything and there was a thing that came out that said you know okay we're gonna draft everybody blah blah like if you're married you don't have to you know yeah and so literally they all hopped in the car and drove to Reno Nevada and like this estate away yeah Cause that was where they could like go get married at like a random chapel, you know, like without having to do the whole thing. Right. And so they like went and like found a chapel and like, they all got in like a station wagon, like with their family. Cause you used to have like witnesses then.

SPEAKER_01: 38:36

I miss station wagons.

SPEAKER_00: 38:37

And yeah. So like they went and did that and like drove like all the way to Reno and went and got married. So they like, he didn't get called out to war. See? Yeah. My grandma, my grandma is like such a diva. She don't leave the house without makeup. No, you know her hair perfect nails done lashes i mean literally shout out to alex who does lashes my grandma is her oldest client and she goes there more often than probably anybody i think she keeps that's how my entire beauty industry like all of our friends going but yeah she got ready for her wedding in a gas station bathroom oh i love that she probably looks beautiful too yeah and then they got married they had the full big wedding you know in july so the first one was in april then july and then they got married again um for their 25th wedding anniversary and had like a full-on wedding again yeah like full-on like dress everything i love it when

SPEAKER_01: 39:30

people do that i feel like you have to do that if you've been married a long time you should like every 10 years or 15 years renew your vows and like recommit your love to each other because honestly in every phase of life it's like you're marrying a new person because you have to get to know them all over again you guys we change we evolve so i think that's so cute yeah

SPEAKER_00: 39:49

i love that best love story i could talk about them forever a whole series but

SPEAKER_01: 39:53

yeah one day yeah but yeah um i think that the at the end of the tunnel of all of this you guys is um just work on you up your worthiness um everything boils down to what you believe you're worthy of honestly at any point in my life with any ex or any toxic relationship i was in I can look back, where was my worthiness level at? How worthy did I believe that I was of what I truly maybe said I wanted? um at the end of the day you are left with you um when you do finally leave that relationship so it's like you got to just go inside and work on you you got to make sure you're good because at the end of the day that's what you have that's what you're left with is you um and I know for me I've definitely done a lot of that which I'm super proud of and I continue to you guys I mean I continue to do therapy I continue to go to the gym I continue to do All of these things because we're a constant work in progress. Those things make me feel good mentally. Also, giving back makes me feel good. I'm going to be doing a sound healing. This isn't for any recognition. I genuinely just do this to help. I do sound healings now for the drug and alcohol rehabilitation center that my mom works for. So I do that. Yeah. For them, for all the women there and stuff like that. So I don't know, things like that too, you know, um, I really do feel like the things we go through them so that we can help other people that have gone through them. And that has been like, I know for me, a big, huge, why I wanted to do this podcast

SPEAKER_00: 41:36

with you. I was going to say, it's like, I think that really is the reason.

SPEAKER_01: 41:39

That's the reason. Yeah. Cause we both through a lot, especially in our last relationships, hence the unengaged name. Um, And I feel like there's even just so much more we can go into with that because Both of our exes that we're no longer with and that we were engaged to were also addicts, you guys. And I don't know, that might have to be like a whole nother podcast. That should be, yeah. Yeah, because I mean, what Chloe, she said it best. What was that video that she made talking about Lamar? She re-said something that she read off the

SPEAKER_00: 42:14

internet. Yeah, it was like a... To love an addict. Maybe we'll do another episode with that.

UNKNOWN: 42:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 42:20

okay let's do that we'll save that for another episode yeah we'll preview coming soon because that deserves its own airtime I think

SPEAKER_01: 42:27

it really does it does because there's so many people that are dealing with it right now yeah whether in relationships that they've been in are in or even with family

SPEAKER_00: 42:34

yeah friends

SPEAKER_01: 42:35

too

SPEAKER_00: 42:36

kids whatever yeah everybody deals with that you know I think it's one of those things that a lot of people don't realize is so prevalent because a lot of times you don't want to talk about it you know you don't people are

SPEAKER_01: 42:48

ashamed yeah also to say that their child is an addict or their partner has an addiction problem you

SPEAKER_00: 42:54

know I mean I know I was you know like I didn't want to talk about what was going on even though a lot of the people around me would have been really really resources and probably would have helped you know or able to help at a earlier stage in it but you know you try so hard to kind of protect the people that are in your life and going through these sensitive things and you know you think about it almost as like well that's their problem that's their secret and you don't want to expose them you know and embarrass them or whatever but you know at the end of the day it's like you're gonna help them by doing that yeah

SPEAKER_01: 43:27

absolutely we're gonna do a whole nother podcast on on loving an addict yeah yeah We'll do another one. But as for this one, you guys, hopefully you guys took something away from this. And I just want to reiterate that the light at the end of the tunnel in all of this, you guys, is falling in love with yourself and getting to know yourself on a deeper level. And I'm telling you guys, the key... to healing from if you've been through or are going through anything like this is gonna be working on yourself and upping your worthiness, your self-worth, you guys. Everything in our life boils down to our self-worth. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00: 44:11

I think a lot of times when you're in these toxic relationships, you're begging for love that you didn't have from a previous person or your childhood. And I think that one of the things that I've realized is that you know the only way to really come out of that is to really learn how to love yourself

SPEAKER_01: 44:31

you know and

SPEAKER_00: 44:31

when the more that you love yourself the less you need it for someone else yeah you're not begging for that from somebody else it's just an added little you know plus if somebody else does come in and appreciate you and love you for who you are and what you have to offer you know and um it's just icing on the cake

SPEAKER_01: 44:48

yeah you want to get to a point where you say You're not here because I need you. You're here because I want you. Right. To a partner. I think that also, you guys, for the partner, if you're needing, if you need them, it's also not fair to them, you guys. It's not fair to them to put all of that on them. Your okayness. In order for me to be okay, you have to love me. like this or you need to do x y and z that's also not right to put on someone we got to make sure that before we enter into these relationships now as grown adults now learning what we've learned we need to make sure that we have done the work on ourselves and that we are whole enough that we're not needing someone else for anything anybody that comes into our life from now on It's just an addition, a beautiful addition to your life. That's how it should be. Yeah. You know? Absolutely. I think that's a good note to leave it on. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 45:47

All right. Well, thanks for listening. If you've gotten this far, if you guys have any questions, comments, or anything that you guys want to add or what you took away from this episode, we'd love to hear the feedback. So leave it in the comments or DM us. We're always here. All right. Thanks, guys. See

SPEAKER_01: 46:05

you later.